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Jessica Simpson's Got A New Boyfriend Who Won't Dump Her At Ihop, But Only Because She's Buying 09.Aug.2010

Trying too hardEverything, apparently. Poor Jess is just so unlucky in love, if the latest dirt on her new squeeze is to be believed. And let's face it, we're all a bunch of snarky gossips, so we'll believe just about anything if it makes good copy, and Jessica Simpson always makes good copy.

From her adorable, ditsy Newlyweds days to her booty calls with John "Wrong Limo" Mayer to the humiliating desertion by the Romo in an IHOP parking lot, Jessica has taken a licking and kept on ticking. That's only good if you're a watch, though. For a lonely girl who just hit 30 ... not so much. You gotta feel bad for the girl, but you can't help but like her. Even that would be made easier by simply hiring a stylist -- her taste is all in her ass and she makes the most atrocious fashion choices for her lush curves. It's not like she can't afford it; Jess lives quite well on her licensing and endorsement deals.

And now she's got a new guy, a former football player named Eric Johnson. Eric just happens to be busted-ass broke, but enjoying an opulent new lifestyle thanks to his new lady. Reportedly a mediocre player at best, most recently Eric was enrolled at Wharton but dropped out to be kept by Jessica. He's also recently divorced and his ex is apparently still quite pissed. She was quoted by InTouch (via Lainey) as saying, "Eric is plain out of money. He was going to grad school because he didn't know what else to do, and then he just dropped out." Oh, Jess. Honey, you can do so much better.