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Lindsay Lohan, Cornered Animal: Will She Trade Her Sister For Peace From Dad? 25.Apr.2010

From Lohan to BlohanMichael Lohan definitely has an agenda here, and it has nothing to do with the safety and welfare of his children. It's never been on the top of his to-do list. As a matter of fact, I think it's safe to say he really doesn't give a f**k, but he thinks there's money to be made here somewhere. He's been taking careful notes on the Britney Spears conservatorship case for a long time (he's a slow learner). He probably figures if he can seize control of his daughter's life he, too, can make a six-figure income like Jamie Spears. There's just one difference between the two, though, and it's a big one: Britney is still raking in truckloads of money; Lindsay hasn't had a real job in years and is reportedly $600,000 in debt. She may never recover from her current tailspin, but that's where Ali comes in. Despite the fact that she can't act or sing like her sister, the Lohans apparently think she's got star potential. They bought her a new set of boobies, let her drop out of school and sent her out to LA to live with her big sister. You know, because that sleep all day, party all night, steal everything that isn't nailed down mentality is ideal for nurturing a young, impressionable girl from a hopelessly fractured family. How long do you think it'll be before she picks up the pipe, too, if she hasn't already?

Maybe that's what Michael told the Sheriffs when he staged his "raid" of Lindsay's penthouse apartment last week. He's played this game a long time; he knows what to say and how to say it, and the Sheriffs had no choice but to accompany him to the apartment to investigate. Whatever was said apparently didn't pan out, as the cops and Michael left a short time later, without Ali. Now the douche is saying he wants to have a sitdown, just a loving, concerned dad and his two girls ... and his entertainment lawyer friend, of course. Because Daddy isn't in this for nothing - he's got a big wedding planned and can get a lot more money if they'll be part of it. Ali could be a flower girl, Lindsay could catch the bouquet, his daughters lovingly embracing their new stepmother ... are you nauseous yet?

Mama Lohan, the great Orange Oprah, has been squawking up a storm in the meantime, saying her asshole ex-husband should just pay his child support and leave her little children alone. You know, like she does. She's probably holed up somewhere on a crack binge and too wacked out to go outside. She probably has her manager's cut on direct deposit, and everyone knows her dealer delivers. She'll only come out when the money runs out. Lindsay and Ali are on their own, and things are coming to a nasty head. Even if Lindsay finally agrees to go to rehab, where does that leave Ali? Back home in Merrick, where the other girls tease her and beat her up? With a father who really doesn't give two shits about her? If she moves into the Chateau Marmont then we'll know. It's where Sis always did her best work.