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Jessica Simpson: How To Look Like A Bored Midwestern Housewife Without Really Trying 28.May.2007

Step 1: Let career and relationship failure color your every move: Your face, your hair, even your lopsided boobs.

Step 2: Keep hitting that spray tan, no matter how many rented gowns and car interiors you stain.

Step 3: Keep hitting the pork rinds - gotta keep that linebacker physique! Can I hit the buffet line now?

Will Jessica ever regain her place as America's sweetheart? She had it all and let it all fall to pieces. Since she left Nick Lachey her life has been a shambles. She can't find a man who will keep her around for more than a few months. Her recording career seems to be at a standstill - kinda sad, because the girl can sing. Her dreams of becoming an actress have never been so far out of reach.

Is she washed up already? She's only 26 years old. If her career is already over, what's she going to do for the next 70 years or so?

Before you start passing a hat for Jess, however, keep in mind that while she may be miserable, lonely and thickening around the middle, homegirl is not going hungry anytime soon. She's still got money coming in from Newlywed DVDs, music royalties, shoes, hair extensions and wigs, perfumes ... hell, Jessica would probably paste her name on a jockstrap if the rate of return was attractive.

Maybe she can get together with Debbie Reynolds. There could be a lot of synergy there.