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Call The Coast Guard! Sea Creature Set To Invade New York City In Search Of Fresh Prey 03.Feb.2008

I am my own meatpacking districtWe've warned you about the sea creature before. Little Justin Timberlake was kept captive by her for four long years before slipping out the dog door while she was in the shower. Melanie Griffith thought she had finished her off, but reports indicate she has picked the Left Coast clean of all suitable prey, and is turning her beady eyes eastward ... she's drawing a bead and aiming right at us!

Cameron Diaz is said to be considering a move to the Big Apple. She was spotted house-hunting in West Chelsea, and is said to be interested in a one-bedroom apartment in the area.

Until the creature is captured, authorities are asking that single young men with pre-pubescent facial hair to be especially careful, although we've heard that lining your doorway with salt is a good deterrent. Like garlic to a vampire, a sea creature is powerless to cross a line of salt.

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