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Never Mind The Lesbians: Is Paris Hilton Hollywood's Closet Chihuahua Killer? 15.Feb.2008

No! Not the closet! Anything but the closet!!How long do you think it would take a crazy little dog to stroke out locked in a closet full of giant shoes, used condoms and stems 'n' seeds? I guess now we know what really happened to Tinkerbell.

Ted Casablanca's done it again, with one of the best Blind Vices since Toothy Tile reared his ugly ... oh, never mind. Don't make me say it. This column was about Slurpa Pop-Off, but not about her bathroom hijinks again. No, this is much, much worse ... and quite serious.

In addition to being the largest single consumer of tube steak in the Western World, Slurpa is an animal lover, too, but I doubt she's mentally willing or capable of caring for a living baby anything. She's certainly not going to make the mistake of leaving the puppy loose - last time it was cheaper to move than clean the mess. She just locks the little guy in the closet and takes off. For days, even weeks on end. What was left of the puppy would eventually be found by her housekeeping staff.

Worst of all, this has happened on more than one occasion, but it's said her staff has finally notified animal control, and their trucks were seen at her house this week (there was nobody home, however). I hope there wasn't some poor little puppy crying and scratching at the closet door as they drove off ...