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The Old Kabbalah And Chain: Madge Kinda Marries Baby Jesus, New Father-in-law Thrilled 14.May.2009

Newlyweds? Of course it wasn't a real wedding because we all know Grannie Gristle isn't about to risk losing any more of her money to good men. Luckily, baby Jesus doesn't really fall into that category. I hear he makes a decent babysitter, although if I were Madge I'd be more worried about him spending quality time with Lourdes, who is turning into quite the little knockout and is much closer in age to Jesus than her mother is.

Regardless of the family dynamic, Madge and baby Jesus had a Kabbalah commitment ceremony. What exactly that means is unclear, but one person in particular is absolutely ecstatic about it all: Madge's new father-in-law, Luis Heitor Pinta da Luz. Luis says his little boy is "extremely happy" living in the lap of luxury with one of the world's richest women. "I've spoken by phone with Madonna - in French, because my English is not fluent - and she appears to me to be a normal and polite person." Hmmm, normal and polite, eh? What an odd way to refer to your son's new "wife".

This brings me to an important question: You never see baby Jesus wearing one of those red string bracelets the Kabbalists wear. Could it be that she's got it tied around a different body part than his wrist?