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Unable To Buy Mercy, Madonna Goes Back To Jesus. Also Can't Ride Horse For Beans 20.Apr.2009

Whoa ... whoa ... whooooa!!!It is such a conniver. First she dumps the boy toy before flying to Malawi. She makes a big show of being the wealthy benefactor only to be shown the door - without the baby.

After a brief pity party in London, Madge flew back to New York, where she summoned baby Jesus back into her sinewy arms. No need to put on a show for the Malawian government anymore; it's all hands on deck and all caution to the wind. Nothing can stop her now ... except for a horse, of course, of course.

A few years ago Madge tried to do the upper crust equestrian thing only to get thrown off, breaking her collarbone and hand. See, the horse knew she was nothing but a club crawler and tossed her first chance he got. Bony old ladies and pretty little ponies don't mix.

Yesterday the New York Post reported that Madge took another spill, this time in Bridgehampton. Unlike last time, she was not seriously injured. And this time, she had her baby Jesus with her to rush to her aid, unlike her former husband, who did not. (He probably couldn't stop laughing.) Madge's peeps tried to blame a paparazzo for spooking the horse, but we all know that's a crock of shit. She obviously can't seat a horse and needs to bear in mind that old bones are brittle and break easily. Let her crawl back to the city and nurse her wounds. The Hamptons set won't miss her a bit.