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Prettyboring Wishes The Hoff A Fabulous 55th Birthday. We Hope He'll Put His Pants Back On Sometime Soon. 17.Jul.2007

Do any of you have any idea what a 55-year-old man-tree and berries looks like? If David doesn't find his pants the image will be permanently seared on the inside of our eyelids.

Berries and cream, berries and cream ...

It's certainly been a watershed year for the Hoff. He and Pamela Bach finally ended their vicious divorce and custody battles, with Hoff coming out on top, gaining the upper hand in the upbringing of their girls, all because Pamela wouldn't get treatment for her anger management issues ("What issues? " she may have said. "I get angry, hurt a few people, and I'm right as rain.") and refused to submit to drug testing.

Since then it's been all quiet on the tabloid front for the Hoff. Someone needs to do a Baywatch or Knight Rider feature film and put that man to work. It's funny. In Europe he's a superstar and mega sex symbol, but here in his homeland, he's become a bit of a laughingstock. No matter; between his residuals and the money he earns doing cheesy videos overseas the Hoff will always be able to keep himself in the manliest of bikini briefs.