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Tom Cruise Will Do Anything To Keep Katie At His Side 07.Jun.2008

Staged passion (not very convincing)Take this photo for example. Where once their grappling was confused with ardent passion, astute celebrity watchers have finally pegged it for what it really is: Tom's desperate. His career is in the hopper. High-ranking members of the Church of Barley Milk are defecting faster than he can replace them. The littlest emperor had no choice but to tell Katie that if she left, he would pants her, leaving her bare-assed in front of hundreds of photographers.

Take a close look at the body language here: There's about as much passion between these two as there was between Anderson Cooper and Donna Brazile. Zip. Nada. Zilch. Note that they're not looking at each other. At all. The clincher? Look at how Katie's hips are arched away from Tommy's testicular zone. If they had the hots for each other, she'd be pressed up against him like a ChamWow in a juice spill.

Of course, it's kinda hard to maintain any kind of intimacy when you sleep in separate rooms in separate wings of a gigantic mansion. Poor Katie must wander around at night listening to the echoes and playing hide-and-seek with her minders. Now that they're staying in New York for the duration of Katie's Broadway run, even that option has been taken away from her. Will she ever be free to wear stiletto heels again? Maybe when Suri's weaned from her bottle they can create a diversion and escape.