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The Piven Weasels Out Of Sushigate, Thinks He'll Be Able To Get A Job On Broadway Again 29.Aug.2009

Eat my tuna, bitches!That smug little f**ktard. I can't believe he got away with it. For those not familiar with the story, Jeremy Piven had a commitment to star in a run of the David Mamet play Speed the Plow. He signed a contract. He was paid good money. He just got bored - he'd rather go out clubbing and whoring until dawn every night. The whole thing got old long before the run was over, and he missed the west coast. Brother had to bail. What to do?

First he tried recruiting a replacement, someone willing to step into his role for the rest of the run. Finding no takers, he did what any unaspiring slacker would do - he called in sick. He wasn't suffering from exhaustion or a really bad wisdom tooth, however. He had mercury poisoning from binging on sushi, twice a day for 20 years. You know, because that's what happens to everyone who eats a lot of tuna. They're dropping like flies.

Of course, once he got back to LA his inability to function just melted away. He was in the clubs, chasing tail, being the life of the party, just like always. His Broadway producers didn't like that so much and filed a complaint with mediation, a precursor to any civil suit that may be filed. Unfortunately for them, the mediator ruled for the Piven, absolving him of any guilt in the matter. Now he says he's ready to "climb back on the stage and know that I'm strong and able to complete the mission." Yeah, right. I'm sure those offers are just pouring in.