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Rachael Ray = Cruella Deville, Will Kill Your Dog With Nutrish 29.Dec.2008

Does she need a new coat? Yeah. I knew we should have muzzled that bitch when we had a chance. But I guess that if a scandal-plagued pervy husband and the triumphant return of Aunt Martha didn't do her in, it'll be that much harder.

Say what you will about Martha Stewart, but she never tried to kill any dogs. Dogs are our friends. Rachael isn't. I had to sit through part of her show the other day at the dentist; after about five minutes of her nasty hag rasp and half-assed unhealthy-looking cooking I started begging for Novocain for my eyes and ears. How did someone so annoying and phenomenally untalented get a show and all these endorsement deals? There are so many other, much more deserving cooking talents out there. It's not fair.

But just in case you're one of those kitchen troll lovers, here's a word of warning: Don't believe what she says about Nutrish, her new pet food line. If it's anything like her "Isaboo's Butternut Squash Mac and Cheddar" (YARK! RETCH!) it's not fit for anyone but her saliva-loving husband to consume. The recipe, named after her pet pit bull, appears to be a recipe for dogs but contains onions, which can kill dogs. In just 20 minutes Rachael can show you how to kill your family's beloved pet - all in one dish. Delish!