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Would You Buy Sex Toys For This Woman? Does She Really Look Like She Needs Them? 20.Jan.2009

Will chew 'em up & spit 'em outI understand that Gwyneth is just trying to help keep her dick-crazy friend from further embarrassing herself by chasing barely-legal pretty boys with delusions of grandeur. Maybe she can slap a little of that GOOP between her knees and glue them shut. All this blatant leg-spreading is making everyone uneasy.

Dedicated mother and religious zealot Madonna has been spreading her legs all over the world since her divorce was finalized. The baseball loser. The Argentinian. Countless parking meters and bike racks. OK, maybe not the bike racks. But she's clearly out of control. Making mad gobs of money can do that to a person.

For some ungodly reason, Madge's BFF Gwyneth told a publication that she's been buying sex toys for her gristly buddy. She said it was just to cheer her up after the divorce, but that's baloney; she's just desperate to tone her friend's behavior down, otherwise Chris won't let her go to Madge's house anymore. He can't stand the way that crazy broad turned his wife into a bag of bones. He can't even get a sandwich in that house anymore, and don't even think of bringing up GOOP. He hates that shit.

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