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Catfight! Crazier By The Minute Spencer Pratt Vs. Foolio Drunk Brody Jenner, Avril And Heidi Run Off Together 14.May.2010

Our own special stinkfingerWell, they haven't, not really, but they should. They're both about as real as Nessie, looking all banged out , and generally detached from reality. Avril and Heidi, I mean. Spencer and Brody are a different matter altogether.

It all started when Brody was quoted recently as saying his one-time pretend-for-TV pal Spencer has "lost it". I'd say that's a pretty honest assessment. The dude looks like a serial killer just waiting to happen. He's said to have spent all his money on these crystals that are supposed to protect him or keep him calm or something, but they're not working. Just last week Speidi were ambushed at their home by Heidi's mom, who had to be persuaded by police to leave. TMZ has pics of Spencer standing out on the front porch clutching a giant crystal, watching Heidi's mom through binoculars like a cracked out hermit.

Spencer, however, thinks Brody's the one who has issues, what with his track record of banging everyone from Beef Curtains to Cokie Cavalleri to the Blohan (all the girls who would never give Spencer the time of day, coincidentally - jealous much? ) and his constant clubbing and drinking. He says he doesn't go out to clubs anymore (because they won't let him in, most likely) and trashes Brody's alleged current squeeze, Avril Lavigne, as a has-been. Again, jealous? He would have been all over that like white on rice, but even skanks have their standards.

Speaking of standards, where are Heidi's? Is she that zonked out that she doesn't realize her "husband" is batshit crazy? I always thought Spence had Ted Bundy eyes, but nowadays he's looking like he's on the edge of a bad, bad place. It's no wonder they banned him from The Hills set; I'd be worried about him showing up in a really bulky trenchcoat or something. Just saying.