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Medical Experts Say Heidi Montag's Franken-tits Will Kill Her In Her Sleep Someday 16.Apr.2010

Ohh, they're like so like heavy like ...Or she'll just trip over them when they sag, and sag they will, say a bunch of doctors who have never even spoken to the silly bitch. This week's Us Weekly (via Celebitchy) has a piece about all the long-term health issues Franken-Tits will face as she ages. The article focuses primarily on her "extreme augmentation" and how she could have back pain and problems breastfeeding. Breastfeeding? Any baby would run screaming from those massive gleaming orbs - if only they could run. Let's face it; the babies are f**ked, people. Totally.

In addition to her freakishly grotesque boobs of doom, Heidi may also face the risk of suffocation because of her extreme nose narrowing. Or she could be like Michael Jackson and it could just collapse or fall off. Then she'd just be all tits, no nose. That and 50 cents wouldn't even get her a cup of coffee, and therein lies the problem: What on earth is this plastic freak going to do the rest of her life? She can't sing, act or dance. Even with more than ten plastic surgeries, she's still not pretty enough to make a living modeling. She and her husband with the serial killer eyes will probably piss through all their Hills money in a few years, leaving them no choice but to let Spencer do that gay porn he's always dreamed of.