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Tiger Woods: It's All Michael Jordan's Fault I Couldn't Keep It In My Pants 31.Mar.2010

Too late for thatAw, come on now. He's been in rehab all this time and that's the best he could do? Actually, those are the words of Tiger's former lawyer, John Merchant, in this month's Vanity Fair. He claims Tiger got into trouble when he tried to hang out with world class poon hounds Michael Jordan and Charles Barclay. Sounds like a cop-out to me. You never heard about Jordan's mistresses or hookers. He and his wife, Juanita, divorced in 2006 without taking out any hydrants and he's quietly, discreetly enjoying the good life of a rich playboy.

Not our boy Tiger. It's been months since Elin tried to brain him with his own clubs, and the scandal shows no signs of fatigue. VF's feature (via The NY Post) includes intimate, explicit interviews with a couple of the bimbos that Tiger was shagging. They did it on the floor of the kitchen his wife fed his children in. They did it up against the golf cart in the garage that Elin probably brushed against every time she walked past. He soiled their marital bed with the fruit of another woman's loins. Is it any wonder that she wants nothing to do with him? If stories like these keep breaking, she's not going to be able to keep up her good wife facade. No one could be expected to put up with that kind of humiliation.

The funniest story by far is that of Mindy Lawton, the waitress he met while dining with his wife and kids. She sounds about as sharp as wet toast. She says that Tiger has the biggest penis she ever saw, but he never so much as bought her a nice dinner and was a lousy tipper. She even says they did it up against the side of his Cadillac SUV in a church parking lot, which was the first time The National Enquirer caught wind of Tiger's wandering dick back in 2007. Tiger's peeps managed to suppress that story by agreeing to a piece in a sister publication, but that didn't slow him down. Hey, for all we know, he could still be hitting anything that moves. You know what they say about a tiger and his stripes.