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The Lohan Chronicles: Man-thieving, Stairwell-shagging, Alleged Drinking ... Same Old Linds. 18.Oct.2007

She can sure pick 'emBlohan blew back into LA today like an outbreak of malaria, bringing along swarms of paparazzi ... and those inevitable down-and-dirty rumors, because this girl is so hard core. She comes from a family of druggies and felons, after all.

The latest tales of firecrotchery come from the National Enquirer, who tell us all about Breanna Tierney, pudgy Riley's girlfriend of three years ... until Lindsay shagged him in the stairwell at Cirque Lodge. She even met Lindsay at a meeting at Cirque, where Lindsay's phony friendliness immediately set off warning bells. Three days later Riley broke up with her by text message. Stealing other women's lovers seems to be Lohan's big thrill these days.

Already reports are hitting the web of Lindsay going out to a bar in Utah and drinking with her typical wild abandon. And now that she's back in LA, she's said to have approached all the tabloids to sell stories and pictures because she's hard up for cash. If she is in fact already drinking, they better get their scoops quick. It only took her ten days to get popped last time. With a little criminal like Riley around, it could happen again, this time as soon as this weekend. The danger here is real, folks. As real as her long, flowing blond locks ... oh, wait. Those are Ken Paves extensions. OK, as real as her bodacious rack. Oh, wait, those aren't real, either. Umm, all right, the freckles! That's it! That's the only real thing on this broad.