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Oh, Heather: What Gave Locklear Eyes Like A Lemur? It Wasn't Booze 29.Sep.2008

Looks like she can see in the darkOK, what is the deal with Heather Locklear? And what on earth would make her eyes look like that? Maybe it was the sunglasses she ran over repeatedly before veering off into traffic. EOnline reports that another concerned motorist dropped a dime on Heather, and TMZ has an excruciating frame-by-frame pictorial of her arrest. How humiliating.

Heather has undoubtedly been going through a difficult time. She's always managed to keep a fairly clean image; no small feat for someone once married to Tommy Lee and Richie Sambora (not at the same time). And she's always been immensely popular with viewers on all of her shows. Shit, now that I think of it, does this mean there will never be a Melrose reunion? Damn you, prescribing physician!

And where is Jack Wagner in all this? Has anyone else noted his conspicuous absence? Since she was admitted to the hospital in July, he's only been seen with her a handful of times, and always looks like he's playing the role of concerned friend before drifting off yet again. If he's no good for her, I hope she keeps him at arm's length, and I hope she gets well soon. She looks like a hot soup sandwich without the crust.