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What Is Michelle Trachtenberg Doing To That Strange Man? Why, He's As Hard As Wood 05.Mar.2009

Make ... her ... stop. Make ... her ... stop.Petrified wood, even. But, hey, this was at 1Oak, where nothing, not even mannequin sex, is out of the question. It's the Studio 54 of the 21st century.

Boy, Michelle has sure come a long way from her Nickelodeon days. She was a cute, sweet kid. She's still cute, but from what I understand there's nothing sweet about her. Like some other Nick kids, she seems to have a vicious sense of entitlement. Amanda Bynes, no matter what she says, is a Blohan clone (Clohan? ). Kenan from All That and now SNL thought he could make a funny about Chris and Rihanna - he should be about 50 before they publish a statement from him again. I guess the Mouse isn't the only one guilty of warping child stars' brains for gain.

But let's get back to Michelle and her man of perfect posture. Note where her hand is: Is she trying to get a splinter? Or is she wiping up a wet spot before it leaves a ring? Also note her mannequin's frozen expression - the poor guy is mortified. He can't even look at her. Or us. They better keep an eye on him tonight. He might decide to end it all with a kamikaze dive into the chipper. She has that effect on men both wooden and fleshy.