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Prettyboring Exclusive: Tom Cruise Reveals The Size Of His Secret Weapon 13.Dec.2008

It's like Vienna sausage ...: when fully extendedSee? It's not the meat, it's the motion. And you wondered why Katie always looks so sad.

He may be a slow study, but the little man is finally catching on. For a long time his head was stuck in the clouds of his former box office glory, and he thought it would always be that way. Who woulda thought jumping on a couch could do so much damage? But since that fateful day almost everything Tom has touched has turned to shit. It even looked like Katie's star would eclipse his - and it may still someday. She is not without talent.

With Valkyrie coming out Tom is desperate to revamp his image and score another box office smash. It's been a while for him. It's taken him two years to realize that couch jumping and being glib, combined with aggressive recruiting for his beloved cult, I mean, church, has transformed his image from Top Gun sexy to midget evangelist despot. It's hard to look at him now and not cringe a little. Will he be able to turn things around? Maybe, but only if he keeps the barley milk to himself. Nobody likes that stuff.

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