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Jess, Jess, Such A Mess: Tony Sends The Pillow Biter Home, She Decides To Binge-drink Instead 15.May.2008

I'd like a small burger and a large drink, pleaseDid Jessica Simpson walk under a lot of ladders when she was a kid? Maybe break a thousand mirrors? That girl can't catch a break to save her life. I think it might have something to do with her stunning lack of intellect: she's about as sharp as a bowl of hair.

She's also kind of f***ed up in the head. While Jess has been calling Tony her "future husband", apparently she's been holding a torch for John Mayer, who so unceremoniously dumped her last year. Huh? !? That's what I said! When news broke of John's new fling with Maniston, Jess was said to be inconsolable, as if John dumped her just yesterday and Tony didn't exist. Tony didn't like that, and promptly retaliated by dumping her and hitting the clubs with his teammates, where he was photographed getting a round of tonsil hockey in with a hot, curvy blond that wasn't Jess. Not to be undone, Jess went out drinking with her buddy Cacee Cobb. The two got so hammered that Cacee vomited under the table and Jess had to call her mother for a ride home. At least she had the sense not to drink and drive.