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Fastest Rebound In Town: Paris Dumps Doug The Slug For Much Prettier Cristiano Ronaldo 11.Jun.2009

Woonky and the soccer studBefore the wet spot got cold, even. I wonder how long it'll be before Cristiano starts sprouting a lovely crop of cold sores all over his pretty pink lips. Such a shame, so young and already ruined.

In the blink of an eye (and most likely a bucketload of alcohol), Doug Reinhardt was blasted back to obscurity when Paris tossed him to the curb after a blowout. His days were numbered anyway; he's no Stavros to her. He was just a little taste to get her by. She's been gunning for a trophy f**k for a while now, and caught the pretty soccer boy at a vulnerable moment: You'd be an easy lay, too, if you just got signed to an 80 million-pound deal and celebrated with thousands of dollars in booze.

Onlookers at the club say the two got all drunk and pornographic with each other in no time, with poor sister Nicky stuck sitting there, all bored and revolted. Actually, she was probably just bored; she's seen this kind of behavior from Paris for years. The Hiltons left together, and Cristiano joined Paris at her hotel an hour later. And now he's ruined. That's the kind of stain that never comes out in the wash.