by Karen Master
Fox, we have issues. I still haven't forgiven you for the downfall of Firefly, or Wonderfalls, or Arrested Development, so you have a lot to make up for, and your news department? Not cutting it.
And for all the new stuff you've been rolling out this fall, you've also done some downsizing, so let's take a look at what's missing from the only shows I still watch on your godforsaken network. Actually, for once, it's not all bad news.
Over at The OC, Mischa Barton has fled for a life of partying (I guess? I haven't followed what she's doing, I think they just finally realized she would never stop sucking), while over on Prison Break, the buttons on Dominic Purcell's shirts have apparently gone on strike. The only question is, which absence will do more for its show? Fox, now we're talking.
I know of at least one gay man who will fight me on this, but from day one I never found Mischa Barton's Marissa in any way appealing, talented, or worthy of the screentime she got. She somehow managed in the pilot episode to look older than the rest of the cast combined, despite being "really only seventeen" next to her twenty-something costars. When she's been able to hold onto an extra pound or two I've seen the potential for cuteness, but the girl does not wear the anorexic style well. And despite rumors of extra acting classes discretely offered to her, she tended to look like she was reading a teleprompter with a mouth full of cotton half the time.
On the other hand, over at Prison Break where the prison has been broken, the buttons on Dominic Purcell's shirts have been noticeably absent from the first few episodes of the season. For a character (Lincoln Burrows) who spent most of the first season brooding and chained to a wall, he's so far managed to spend the first six episodes of season two kicking ass, taking names, and posing like a GQ model in runway-quality sunglasses and shirts unbuttoned to his last rib. In the first season Wentworth Miller (as his brother Michael Scofield) tended to be the show hottie since everybody was wearing prison blues and he has those lovely eyes to work with. So far this year, however, Miller has been relegated to cheesy tattoo-covering suits while Purcell strides around resembling liquid sex. Hey, it works for the characters, and I have no complaints.
So what's the best downsizing decision over at Fox this fall? For once, I can't complain about either one, and it's a little too early to say since The OC hasn't premiered yet, but my money's on the buttons. Mostly because unlike Marissa, who was killed in a fiery explosion, they could come back at any time, and I want to make it clear, on behalf of the male-loving portion of your audience, that we would prefer it if they didn't. Kill his buttons in a fiery explosion if you have to, just please, Fox network, keep them off my screen.
By the way, Fox? I still hate you, so if The OC continues to suck without Marissa, that's one more strike. Screw up Prison Break and I'm giving up on you forever. I hope you're taking notes, Fox, cause last night's Prison Break was a little lamer than usual. Don't mess this up - I still have many years to go in your prime demographic.