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Married Life Is Not Wearing Well On Scarlett Johansson 10.Jun.2009

Needs a nap and a cookieAs a matter of fact, she looks like a can of smashed assholes. Is there a rule somewhere that states that f**king a beautiful man makes you ugly?

You guys know I've never liked ScarJo, but you had to respect one of the best racks in the business. She wasn't afraid to use them, either, landing plum movie roles with horny old men like Woody Allen and landing one of the hottest men around as a spouse: that yummy Ryan Reynolds.

So what is he doing to her? Like Alanis before her, Scarlett just hasn't been the same since taking that man for her own. First there was the muddy plum dye job. Pale and pasty girls should never make such a dramatic hair color change - she looks like death warmed over. Worse yet, it looks like a home dye job. Nice & Easy, anyone?

Then there was the dramatic weight loss, allegedly for a movie role, but still a healthy knock with the ugly stick. She went from being one of Hollywood's most sought after women to being mistaken for the cleaning staff. Well, maybe not yet, but it's only a matter of time. What's she going to look like at 30? Or even 40? She better go eat a steak and see a real hairdresser to bleach out. Once they realize there's nothing behind those tits (literally) she'll be back to bussing tables and hustling the grampies. (PrettyBoring disclaimer: We don't know if she's ever done either of these things, but it was good for a laugh.)