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Huge, Hideously Bloated Mystery Creature Washes Up On Shores Of Hawaii 26.Dec.2007

Aloha, Gummi!It was first spotted on the sonar of a charter boat, flipping and flopping through the waves like a pancake in the dryer. The skipper alerted the Coast Guard, who sent out a recon team. They didn't have any trouble spotting the large mass making a beeline for the tiki bar onshore.

Was it a whale? No, it was wearing clothes ... kinda. Was it Mariah Carey? No, she's in Aspen - fat chicks don't like the beach. They were just about to harpoon it before it broke land when suddenly Paris Hilton called on her cell phone.

"Omigod, like, don't shoot!" she screamed. "Like, it's harmless. It's only Jason." The crew looked at each other. "Do you mean the guy from the horror movies? " the captain asked. "Who are you calling a whore? " Paris replied.

Just then, the hideous mass of blubbery flesh surfaced for a breath of air, and it was all clear. It was just Gummi Bear Davis, fatter brother of the Greasy One. He couldn't afford the airfare to Hawaii, but was determined not to miss out on the festivities (read: Paris buying) so he strapped on some flippers and hooked a ride with a cargo ship until he was close enough to be tossed overboard. The crew was happy to; he went through a month's supply of food in three days.