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Attention All Scientologists: Buy Tickets To All My Sons Or Katie Holmes Will Have To Get Naked 05.Jul.2008

Someday, Suri, we will be freeAt least that's what she's telling Tommy Boy. It's the only way her Broadway show will debut with the kind of numbers Nicole Kidman's did, and you know she can't stand it if Nicole beats her at anything. That means she goes back to the Scientology Center for some more retraining, and she'll do anything to avoid that mess.

Unfortunately for Katie, she will not be anywhere near naked in her Broadway premiere, and the Barley Milk Moonies don't seem to be lining up for tickets to the drama - perhaps because they gave all their money to the church already. The fact that her husband isn't the megastar he used to be is also said to be a factor.

Will the show be any good? It's hard to say. Katie's barley-mad minders have made the cast sign confidentiality agreements, so no word has leaked out. If advance sales are any indication, however, All My Sons may go the way of Mad Money and Thank You For Not Smoking. Suri will be so disappointed.