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Speaking Of Lyin' Bitches, Kate Gosselin On Her Fake Boobs, Airbrushed Belly & Boning Her Bodyguard 16.Sep.2010

All hers, because she had to pay for itAh, the wily baby machine. When the cameras are on, the beast bares its teeth (that's no smile; that's a rip-your-heart-out-and-EAT-IT sneer), it paws at its offspring but shows no maternal warmth, and it speaks from both sides of its face. Only trouble is, both sides are lying their asses off. Can no honest words fall out of this bitch's mouth?

OK, first the boobies. Granted, she is only 35 - that's really not that old, kids - but she has had eight kids. Even if six of them were born at the same time, that's a lot of wear and tear on any body. Just the expansion and contraction alone will take their toll on even the firmest rack. The tabs have the usual medical suspects lined up, you know, the ones who haven't treated or even met the subject but can opine in great detail on the work they've had done. Anywhothefrickinfrackcares, the experts say Kate's rack is much too firm and roundy. That might actually be sexy on another woman, but it doesn't help much here.

Then there's Kate's fab new abs. In the first published pics of her out jogging, the depth, the tone, were impressive for any woman, never mind one so overly-gestated. But the more I look at this picture the more I think of Britney's abs at the VMAs a couple years ago. And Kate's abs didn't look quite so chiseled in subsequent shots. I dunno for sure, but I wouldn't put it past her. After all, this is the broad who begged for free stuff for her sextuplets then sold it on consignment when she was done with it.

Last but certainly not least we have the boning the bodyguard issue. Yeah, dude is married and all, but maybe she's fine with that. Maybe Kate just wants to fornicate, and doesn't want to have to worry about hooking up with another douche like her ex that'll try to take her hard-earned money. He's certainly not that bad to look at, but you know he makes her turn out the light before she gets naked. Some things are better left unseen, if you know what I mean. Jellybean.