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Now That John's Gone, Jessica Must Learn To Dress Herself Again. 18.May.2007

Papa Joe helped me pick this outEver notice that Jess seems to party more when she's between beaus? Her dilated pupils are rivaled in size only by her ... earrings.

Yes, apparently it's true. John and Jess have called it quits. Ever since she got into the wrong limo, her days with Mayer were numbered. A man who finds himself so articulate and influential couldn't possibly put up with such a feeble weeble forever. He's shorn himself of his flowing curls and is interviewing interns at the UN.

Living off the royalties from her mediocre pop career (which seems to have evaporated before her eyes) and her reality show just weren't enough for Jess. Now she wants to be considered a serious actress. Uhhh, does that mean she has to, like, read stuff?

Ever since she left Nick Lachey, Jessica's life has gone down the tubes. She's gone from being one of the best dressed women in Hollywood to has-been beauty queen. She needs to rehire whoever made her look so good when she was married. And fire Ken Paves. Ashlee is now considered the "hot Simpson" these days. Who would've thought?

By the way, those of you not under the influence might notice something a bit ... off in this picture. For one thing, Jessica's manicure never looked so good - and her ass has never been so lean. From the neck down you're being graced with the body of one Amanda Lepore, born Armand Lepore. That's right - that used to be a boy.