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Happy Birthday, Barbie! Celebrate 50 Years With Oops Y'all Barbie 10.Mar.2009

Courtesy Worth1000.comHot dang, she brings tears to your eyes, doesn't she? It's not what you think; in addition to lifelike bruising and nicotine stains she's also scented with the distinct aromas of cigarettes, fried food and stale beer farts.

This year marks a milestone for the doll that inspired eating disorders and bad bleach jobs for millions of women. She's now 50 but still doesn't look a day over 20. Her dimensions are a bit more realistic than they used to be, and she's laid off that electric blue eye shadow a bit, but she's still the same ol' Barbie.

It's hard to believe such a wholesome staple in the lives of American girls could come from anything but the most pure mind, but there you'd be dead wrong. Jack Ryan was a full-blown freak, a "full-blown seventies-style swinger" with "a manic need for sexual gratification." Ryan had crazy sex orgies and liked patronizing hookers. He was even once married to Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Sadly, all things Barbie do not end happily. Her lifelong love, Ken, was named after the son of the founders of Mattel. The real Ken couldn't handle the fact that his "action figure" had no peepee. That and the fact he used to find him in the oddest places.