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Breaking News: Suri Doesn't Want To Be A Scientologist Anymore, Kicks Daddy In The Shin And Hauls Ass. 06.Aug.2007

You heard it here first, folks. Do you think she's too young to take whatever they're sedating Katie with?

I'd rather be a Teletubbie

Scientologists everywhere are on the lookout for little Suri Cruise, last seen sporting this tres chic Burberry sundress. Last spotted headed for the American Embassy, Suri broke loose when Dad was distracted while shooting his new Nazi movie in Berlin. Mom Katie was still sleeping off last night's tranq cocktail.

Church hierarchy are said to be in a panic, worried that their heir apparent to the throne of Xenu might fall into Catholic hands. It would be a fitting retaliation to Scientology's heist of sweet Katie Holmes, once a promising film star, now brood mare to the loonies.

How far will Suri get? What will she do to keep her freedom? Can Kiefer Sutherland save her? Or will they drag her back, kicking and screaming, for a lengthy pre-school audit session? Stay tuned, folks. This could get ugly.