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Leftover Tips: Paris Hilton Demonstrates What To Do With That Dried-out, Overcooked Turkey Carcass 27.Nov.2007

More like pre-chewed turnipsParis has fallen so far off the A-list she had to travel to the Far East and fellate a fruit kabob for publicity. Worse yet, next to the Chinese she looked even more freakishly misshapen than usual. They were amazed - Paris had bigger feet than their seven-foot-tall basketball stars!

Feeling a bit washed up, Paris hit the tanning salon as soon as she got back to LA. A good blast of Mystic Tan can do wonders for a girl. Just when she was starting to feel like she still had it (before she had to take medicine to control it), her phone rang, and the news was devastating. Paris's long-time standby lover, Stavros Niarchos, has reunited with Mary Kate Olsen, the scrawny little freak Paris stole him from all those long nights ago. The two are said to be inseparable, making Paris inconsolable.

Of course if I was Mary Kate, I'd be thinking much protection. Paris was a bad influence on the Greek shipping heir; he's been shagging anything that moves. MK should be careful not to get the gift that keeps on giving, or she'll be on the Valtrex Express, too.