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Martha Stewart Makes A Mean Souffle But Chases All The Guys Away 16.Mar.2010

I'll fix your wagon, little missyAw, poor Martha. She ain't the youngest hen in the coop, but she's not so bad to look at. Then again, I'm a happily heterosexual female. And it's not her looks that are probably scaring off the guys; it's her strong, assertive personality. It's just the kind of thing to make a dick droop, every time.

Poor Martha can't seem to pick her friends, either. A new book coming out this week from Martha's former best friend, Mariana Pasternak, allegedly reveals the domestic doyenne's decades-long unlucky in love streak. Mariana was Martha's friend for 20 years, but she testified against her in the obstruction of justice case that sent Martha to the big house. If that wasn't bad enough, now she humiliates her by selling her deepest, darkest secrets to the highest bidder. According to the traitor bitch, Martha hooked up with some investment banker dude in the Hamptons and became obsessed with him, stalking him, harassing him and finally showing up at his door ... where she was confronted by the banker dude's girlfriend, who finally sent her packing.

This new book sounds like a soggy rag. Martha paid her debt to society; she lost her freedom, her job (temporarily) and God knows how many millions in licensing and endorsement deals when she was convicted. To have someone dredge up such intensely personal stuff, whether true or not, is just adding insult to injury. I wonder what Martha did to Mariana to cause her to turn against her like that. That might be the real blockbuster here.