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No, It's Not A Snuffleupagus: The Great American Spinster Is Now Hiring. Twitterers Need Not Apply 24.Mar.2009

Like a giant EwokPoor little Maniston. She's back to bitter, party of one now that her movies have all been released. Ironically enough, she's working on her next movie, yet another play on her unfulfilled life and the road she may be forced to travel: it's called The Baster. Ahh, who are we kidding? She's not basting anything; if she wants one bad enough she'll just go out and buy it.

In the meantime Jen has decided she doesn't need the love and adoration of her fans anymore - at least until the next premiere. So antisocial is she that she dug up this extreme parka with periscope action to hide her masculine jawline and $50,000 hair in. Did she have this thing custom-made? When have you ever seen a jacket with a reaper cowl like that?

But the escort industry need not lose any sleep over Aniston's self-imposed exile. When The Baster is ready for release the Spinster will suddenly become sunny and cheerful again ... and she'll be looking for some arm candy. Applicants must be ruggedly handsome, preferably bearing some resemblance to her ex-husband, and only have to keep their mouths shut and look good. An inside tip: Don't confess to having a Twitter account. It was Twitter that John turned to when he got sick of her incessant calling, and she insists on being totally Twitter-less. It's probably in the contract.