Syndicate

Olive Oyl's got nothin' on youNo, she's not living on the streets. I'm talking about her handbags, silly. Speaking of bags, though, I bet the one she's carrying weighs more than she does right now.

What happened to Nicky? She used to have nice curves. Now she looks positively ill. Do her parents not see her wasting away, or are they turning a blind eye to her illness like they are to her other siblings' shortcomings? It's hard to tell with Kathy - she's so glib no matter what the news - and Rick, well, he just looks like he'd rather climb into a bottle of scotch.

Whoever is telling Nicky that she looks good in this state is obviously either off their rocker or has an eating disorder themselves. She may have had her share of financial troubles lately, but I'm sure she can afford a sandwich. She looks like Nicole Richie looked before she got pregnant. Or Amy Winehouse without the crack scabs and head lice.

She's as ill as she looksShe won't go voluntarily, or if she does, she only stays for a week or two and then goes back to her death-wishing ways. Then last week Amy "fainted" (publicist's euphemism for "passed out" or "OD'd"), and when she came to, her dad Mitch persuaded her to go into the hospital.

Since her admittance, Amy is reported to be suffering from an irregular heartbeat; today came news that she's coughing up blood and may have a lung infection or tuberculosis. While both conditions are certainly plausible given the company she kept and the kind of drugs she was doing, reports also indicate that she's being kept "on a drip when medics try to wean her off hard drugs." That's great, but won't she then have to either be given a steady supply of the replacement drugs or put her through detox all over again, otherwise she's doomed to repeat history.

And thus is born yet another great celebrity cottage industry: the medication of Amy. Unless properly treated, Amy will continue to medicate, whether that be via traditional medicine or street pusher. She is powerless to do otherwise. The shame is all the jackals and parasites that are standing in the sidelines, just waiting to cash in on her affliction.

Amy and her hairdresserMy God, man. Just look at that. They took her off the pipe and gave her a little ProActiv, and look what it did to her head! OK, not really, but it sure got your attention, didn't it?

If Amy's bouffant gets any higher she's going to need a giraffe or a cherry picker to take care of it. That thing is probably congealed into one big hair pod she can just slip in and out of, kind of like a ratty, blood-stained pair of ballet slippers.

Amy is still not getting the help she needs. They let her fly to Moscow for a $2 million, 40-minute show that she was two hours late for (and "in no shape to perform"). Upon her return home, she allegedly "fainted" in her house and was rushed to hospital by her dad, where she remains tonight as doctors try to figure out what's wrong with her. I think they might want to start with a drug screen. The fact that she's f***ed up 24-7 might have something to do with her being malnourished and seriously strung out.

Maybe Amy's just not cut out for fame and fortune. They should just release her in the wild so she can find another hedgehog crackie to settle down with. Blake Incarcerated doesn't look to be available any time soon.

Posh dispenser?She'll see. She thought Heidi was bad with the weekly cupcakes? That's nothing compared to what a jilted bathroom accessory can do when wronged. Better watch out, bony broad.

Posh's ads for Marc Jacobs started out being really funny, made even more so by her gangly legs and bulging, malnourished eyes. The woman must have a great sense of humor; you can see she's having a grand time.

This latest set of shots just didn't cut it, though. If this is Marc and/or Posh's idea of emulating Amy Winehouse's tattered fashions, it really fell short, and Posh looks like she's mounted on a pole. (Or was it an exhaust pipe?)

Whatever the inspiration, Toilet Paper Dolly feels like she's been robbed, and she's not taking this lying down, and she's a force to be reckoned with. Remember the shots of Lindsay doing coke in the bathroom that first surfaced last year? Who do you think took them? Posh would be wise to watch her back ... and wash her hands.

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake?!?I mean, really. How could he even look at another woman?

Mr. Winehouse hasn't been idle while his wife has been hanging out with Mark and Blake and Alex and Mick and singlehandedly supporting the drug and tabloid industries. After selling all the pictures of Amy he could to support his habit, he's done the next best thing: he's found a replacement.

At his most recent court date, it was a mystery blonde who whispered "I love you" to Slug Boy. According to The Sun, the pair have been discussing how they're going to clean Amy's clock and then ride off into the sunset together. Blake is planning to ask for a multi-million-dollar payoff to walk away from the marriage. He's said to have told the blonde that he'll "leave Amy and we will be rich beyond our wildest dreams." What a gonad.

Will Amy finally get up the nerve to end her destructive marriage? When Blake was first incarcerated everyone hoped that she would want to get clean without his influence, but she's gone from bad to worse and isn't even capable of working anymore. Her hair is falling out, her teeth are rotting and she's aged 20 years in the last six months. She looks like she hasn't eaten a healthy meal in at least that long, and she's taken to walking around in her underwear. Does she have to shave her head and wear big, dirty brown boots to finally get some help?